Posts by jhenderson

I will be on vacation for the next two weeks

I want to take the time to wish everyone a very special Christmas and a happy new year

The Italian Lover, a virile middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome, when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman. Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, 'So, you finish?'

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, 'No.'

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, 'You finish?'

Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, 'No.'

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, You finish?'

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispered in his ear, 'No, I Norwegian'

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes." She did and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there is a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"

The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, and women will flock to him."

The woman replied, " That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman, and he will only have eyes for me." So, KAZAM - she became the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world, and he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, " That's okay because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM she became the richest woman in the world!

The frog asked her what she would like for her third wish. She said, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! 'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies...

Wait for it...

It's coming...

The suspense is killing you, isn't it?

She says:

'You just happened to catch my eye!!!!'

A Mother had 3 virgin daughters and they were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe". Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said:

"Good till the last drop".

Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges". Mom now knew to go straight to her husband’s cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack:

"Extra Long. King Size".

She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.

Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words "British Adirways". Mom took out her latest Harper’s Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for BA. The ad said:

"Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways."

Mom fainted…

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She
asked, “What’s on TV?”

I said, “Dust.”

And then the fight started…
=======================================================================

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3seconds.”

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started…

=====================================================================
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive... so, I took her to a gas station...

And then the fight started....
===================================== ================================

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to
verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing
my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social
Security office.

She said, 'you should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

===============================================================

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept
staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed,! 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right
after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

============================================================

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and
slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT
HAPPY! '

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started...

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he
noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighters helmet. The wagon was being
pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a
nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.
'Thanks,' the girl replied.
The firefighter looked a little closer.
The fireman noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar
and to the cat's testicles.
'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how
to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's
collar, I think you could go faster.'

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but
then I wouldn't have a siren.'

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on
my front porch on a warm spring evening,
when a young man comes creeping up on
the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since
my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and
excited.I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that
I just lay down and told him
'Take me, young man.Take me now!'

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!'
And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.

A gas station owner in Tennessee was trying to increase his sales. So he put up a sign that read, 'FREE SEX WITH FILL-UP.'

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from one to ten If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex. The redneck guessed eight, and the proprietor said, “You were close. The number was seven. Sorry. No sex this time.”
A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed two this time. The proprietor said, “Sorry, it was three. You were close but no free sex this time.”
As they were driving a way, the redneck said to his buddy, “I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.”
Bubba replied, “No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week...”

Kung Chow called his boss and said:
"Hey, boss I not come work today I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache, leg hurt, I not come work."

The boss says: "Kung Chow I really need you today. When I feel sick like this I go to my wife and tell her to make love to me.
That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that."

Two hours later Kung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great, I be at work soon.
You got nice house."

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years.
They had shared everything.. They had talked about everything.
They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little
old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had
cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but
one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said
She would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took
down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was
in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls
and a stack of money totaling $95,000.
He asked her about the contents. 'When we were to be married,'
she said, 'my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage
was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you,
I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.'
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two
precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two
times in all those years o f living and loving. He almost burst with
happiness.
'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money?
Where did it come from?'
'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'

A Prayer.......

Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him, and Patience for his moods.
Because Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death, because I don't have time to crochet.

Re: Sort Header -- Stop Guessing

Thanks agoldma
simple is better

Re: Bowl Of Chili

Thanks Dave and Kris

Re: Find Multiple Occurances In Range And Return Corresponding Value

why make more work for your self Use a pivot table

Re: Bowl Of Chili

Thanks for the kind words David

Re: Pause VBA Code For User Interaction

Who's that masked man? Hi Aaron long time no here from good to see bouncing around
are you no longer a Jedi?

Re: Camera Function

Thats not what the camera feature is for. You use it to take a live snap shot of range of cells and apply it to another sheet so that you can see what is going on

Re: Bowl Of Chili

HA HA
Thanks David for picking up the joke slack, have not been a funny mood since my wife has been in the hospital for two weeks with 6 more to go

Re: Auto Copy Formula Results As Text

Use The Macro Recorder

Re: The Dudes Run From Huricane Ike

I hope so cause I have not heard or seen a word from him.