Posts by jhenderson

  • Blonde Nun

    ne night a blond nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her.


    "My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish," said God.


    "Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy. I am a bride of Christ. I am doing what I love. I lack for nothing material since the Church supports me. I am content in all ways," said the nun.


    "There must be something you would have of me," said God.


    "Well, there is one thing," she said.


    "Just name it," said God.


    "It's those blonde jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blonde jokes to stop."


    "Consider it done," said God. Blonde jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere. But surely there is something that I could do just for you."


    "There is one thing. But it's really small, and not worth your time," said the nun.


    "Name it. Please," said God.


    "It's the M&M's," said the blonde nun. "They're so hard to peel."

  • Captured

    A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals.


    The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot and cook you, eat you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."


    The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." The chief gives him a sword, he says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself through.


    The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and shoots himself.


    The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over - the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible.


    The chief is appalled, and asks, "WHAT are you doing?!"


    The New Yorker says, "So much for your canoe, jerk!!!"

  • pet syndrome

    If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!


    Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.


    Here's what happened:


    Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was 'something wrong' with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.


    'He's just lying there looking sick,' he told me. 'I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?'


    I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.


    'Honey,' I called, 'come look at the lizard!'


    'Oh, my gosh!' my wife exclaimed. 'She's having babies.'


    'What?' my son demanded. 'But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom !'


    I was equally outraged.


    'Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce,' I said accusingly to my wife.


    'Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?' she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!).


    'No, but you were supposed to get two boys!' I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).


    'Yeah, Bert and Ernie!' my son agreed.


    'Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,' she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).


    By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.


    'Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,' I announced 'We're about to witness the miracle of birth.'


    'Oh, gross!' they shrieked


    'Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?' my wife wanted to know.


    We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.


    'We don't appear to be making much progress,' I noted.
    'It's breech,' my wife whispered, horrified.


    'Do something, Dad !' my son urged.


    'Okay, okay.' Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.


    'Should I call 911?' my eldest daughter wanted to know.


    'Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.' (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)


    'Let's get Ernie to the vet,' I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.


    'Breathe, Ernie, breathe,' he urged.


    'I don't think lizards do Lamaze,' his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.).


    The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.


    'What do you think, Doc, a C-section?' I suggested scientifically.


    'Oh, very interesting,' he murmured. 'Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?'


    I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.


    'Is Ernie going to be okay?' my wife asked.


    'Oh, perfectly,' the vet assured us. 'This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. . E rnie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying
    on his back.' He blushed, glancing at my wife.


    We were silent, absorbing this.


    'So, Ernie's just . just .. . excited,' my wife offered.


    'Exactly,' the vet replied, relieved that we understood.


    More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.


    'What's so funny?' I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming
    affront to my flawless manliness.


    Tears were now running down her face. 'It's just .that . . I'm picturing you pulling on its . . its. . teeny little . . ' She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.


    'That's enough,' I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.


    'I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad,' he told me.


    'Oh, you have NO idea,' my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.


    Two lizards: $140.


    One cage: $50.


    Trip to the vet: $30.


    Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:


    Priceless!


    Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.


    Lizards lay eggs

  • Don't Be Distracted At Work

    Two bored casino dealers are waiting at a craps table.


    A very attractive redhead comes in and wants to bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.


    She says, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm bottomless.'


    With that she strips naked from the waist down, and rolls the dice while yelling 'Momma needs a new pair of pants!'


    She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers: 'YES!
    I WIN! I WIN!'


    With that she picks up her money and her clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded.


    Finally one o f them asks, 'What did she roll anyway?'


    The other one answers, 'I thought YOU were watching!'

  • Mother inlaw

    We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.


    My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."


    A few minutes later, I get into the cab . "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"


    The cab driver hit a parked car...

  • An engineer dies

    An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.


    Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.


    One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."


    God replies, "What???? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake, he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."


    Satan says, "No way. I like having a engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."


    God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."


    Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

  • World War II,

    An elderly Italian man who lived in the outskirts of Monte Cassino went to the local church for confession.


    He said: "Father, during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. So I hid her in my attic."


    The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son and you have no need to confess that."


    "It's worse than that, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors."


    The priest said: "By doing that, you were both in great danger. However, two people together under those circumstances are greatly tempted to act that way. But if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are forgiven."


    "Thank you Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I have one more question."


    "And what is that?" said the priest.


    "Should I tell her the war is over?"

  • Algebra for Everyday Life

    After applying some simple algebra to some trite phrases and cliches a new understanding can be reached of the secret to wealth and success. Here it goes.


    Knowledge is Power Time is Money and as every engineer knows, Power is Work over Time. So, substituting algebraic equations for these time worn bits of wisdom, we get:


    K = P (1) T = M (2) P = W/T (3) Now, do a few simple substitutions:


    Put W/T in for P in equation (1), which yields: K = W/T (4)


    Put M in for T into equation (4), which yields: K = W/M (5).


    Now we've got something. Expanding back into English, we get: Knowledge equals Work over Money. What this MEANS is that:


    1.The More You Know, the More Work You Do, and


    2.The More You Know, the Less Money You Make.


    Solving for Money, we get: M = W/K (6) Money equals Work Over Knowledge. From equation (6) we see that Money approaches infinity as Knowledge approaches 0, regardless of the Work done.


    What THIS MEANS is: The More you Make, the Less you Know.


    Solving for Work, we get W = M x K (7) Work equals Money times Knowledge From equation (7) we see that Work approaches 0 as Knowledge approaches 0.


    What THIS MEANS is: The stupid rich do little or no work.


    Working out the socioeconomic implications of this breakthrough is left as an exercise for the reader.

  • genies

    A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball - don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix." The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses! Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost."


    They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?" "Uh, yeah. Sorry about that." the husband replied.


    "No, actually I want to thank you- I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes- I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself." "OK, great!" the husband said. " I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem-it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife. "I want a house in every country of the world," she said. "Consider it done." the genie replied.


    "And what's your wish, genie?", the husband said. "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife." The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I can deal with it."


    The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours. After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said:


    "How old is your husband, anyway?"


    "35." she replied.


    "And he still believes in genies? That's amazing!"

  • dinner with her parents.

    A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents.


    Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.


    He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.


    At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.


    That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and his girlfriend meets him at the door.


    "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" she says.


    The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are already seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.


    10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.


    Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and Whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."


    The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a Pharmacist."

  • Noah

    The Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in Canada , and said, 'Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans.'


    He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, 'You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.'


    Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.


    'Noah!' He roared , 'I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?'


    'Forgive me, Lord,' begged Noah, 'but things have changed.'


    'I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I've violated the neighbourhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.'


    'Then Hydro One demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark 's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.'


    'Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!'


    'When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.'


    'Then the Ministry of the Environment ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.'


    'I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.'


    'Immigration and Naturalization are checking the Visa status of most of the people who want to work.'


    'The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only union workers with Ark-building experience.'


    'To make matters worse, Revenue Canada seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.'


    'So, forgive me, Lord, but it will take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark.'


    Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, 'You mean you're not going to destroy the world?'


    'No,' said the Lord.


    'The Government beat me to it.'