Posts by jhenderson

  • Just For Sicarii

    What Is Politics?
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    Son: Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?
    Father: Sure, son. What's the question?
    Son: What is politics?
    Father: Well, let's take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me “Tony Blair.” Your mother is the administrator of money, so we'll call her “Gordon Brown.” We take care of your needs, so we'll call you “the People.” We'll call the maid “the Working Class,” and your baby brother we can call “the Future.” Do you understand, son?
    Son: I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it.


    That night, awakened by his baby brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep. The next morning he reported to his father.
    Son: Dad, now I think I understand what politics is.
    Father: Good, son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?
    Son: Well, dad, while Tony Blair is screwing the Working Class, Gordon Brown is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of ****.

  • Parrots

    A lady approaches her priest and tells him “Father, I have a problem. I
    have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one
    thing.”


    “What do they say?” the priest inquired.


    “They only know how to say, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Want to have some
    fun?’”


    “That’s terrible!” the priest exclaimed, “but I have a solution to your
    problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put
    them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the
    bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible
    phrase and your female parrots will learn the joys of praise and
    worship.”


    “Thank you!” the woman responded.


    The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest’s house.
    His two male parrots are holding the rosary beads and praying in their
    cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and
    the female parrots say “Hi we’re prostitutes, want to have some fun?”


    One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, “Put
    the beads away, brother. Our prayers have been answered!”

  • Scroll Lock

    There is a little bug in 2007 excel. The scroll lock will all by its little self change from off to on.
    and when it does you cannot get excel to release it.
    What you have to do is shut down the computer and reboot "not restart" but a full shut down


    It happened to me today


    info comes from Microsoft
    http://support.microsoft.com/kb/307812

  • Letters To Represent Numbers

    Re: Letters To Represent Numbers


    I would use an if() formula
    =IF(A2>89,"A",IF(A2>79,"B", IF(A2>69,"C",IF(A2>59,"D","F")))) Assigns a letter grade to the first score (F)
    =IF(A3>89,"A",IF(A3>79,"B", IF(A3>69,"C",IF(A3>59,"D","F")))) Assigns a letter grade to the second score (A)
    =IF(A4>89,"A",IF(A4>79,"B", IF(A4>69,"C",IF(A4>59,"D","F")))) Assigns a letter grade to the third score (C)
    sample to help you get started

  • Custom Print Job

    Re: Adjust Individual Page Breaks?


    Try using the view setting or a macro to reset the print range each time
    or just hide the columns and print each page one at a time

  • Bar Joke

    A man (Jimmy) walks into a hotel bar and sits down next to a guy who is deep into an argument with the bartender, Moe.


    “Hey, hey, hey, what’s all the commotion” says Jimmy.


    “He doesn’t think i can do it,” says the guy.


    “Do what?”


    “Jump out that window, and come back in without falling”


    “Well lets settle it then,” says Jimmy as he walks over to the bar window (10 stories high) and looks out. “Impossible, but it’s his funeral!”


    “Here’s $100 up front that says I won’t (die).” (guy)


    The guy walks over to the window with a sly grin, opens it, looks out, down… The bartender noticeably dripping with sweat yells, “Well, on with it already!”


    The guy steps back, and at full sprint runs and disappears out the window and within seconds reappears back through. Moe stands there stunned as Jimmy starts laughing uncontrollably at what just happened.


    Quite confused, and noticeably angry, Moe yells out, “Double or Nothing! No way you can pull that off again.” And with another grin, the guy repeats his feat, walks up to the bar, takes the $200, puts it in his pocket, and sits down again with sly chuckle.


    Fuming now, Moe walks to the window, looks out, comes back and screams at the guy, “Thats it, I can do it too, Let me win my money back!”


    “No, no, no…” says the guy, now laughing uncontrollably, “There’s a trick to it, I can’t let you, I can’t.”


    But nothing could stop Moe, face beat red, he had clearly had it as Jimmy and the guy were both laughing now at his expense… Soon the guy gave in… “Fine, fine, but don’t say I didn’t warn ya!” Worry and shock was suddenly strewn across Jimmy’s face as the guy continued to laugh.


    Moe stepped back as the guy had, ran towards the window as the guy had, and jumped as the guy had… Jimmy ran over, looked down, and saw the guy laying there motionless…


    He turned to the guy, now on the floor in tears laughing and said…


    “Superman, you’re a real asshole!”